going into senior year

So it's really started to sink in that I am going into my senior year in a little more than one month. I still remember my freshman year very vividly and how I used to be scared of growing up. Now, I am almost a senior and have missed out on around half of my high school experience due to the pandemic. It really hurts thinking about all the time spent sitting behind a screen without getting to see anyone in person. Dances and rallies were canceled and everything that made high school truly fun was taken from my life.

Now, I have a job, am working on college essays, and am trying to figure out where I want to apply and what I want to do with my life. I do plan on double majoring in college, and I know for sure one of those majors will be history. The other one I'm moving back and forth from English to Political Science, both of which I would love to pursue. However, I am aware that I don't necessarily have to have all of that figured out now, but I've always been someone who's known what I want for my future, until it finally sunk in that my future is becoming my present. I know I want to go to Law school after undergrad school, but other than that, I'm not even sure what area of law I want to pursue.

If someone had told freshman-year me that I would be interested in going into law, I would have laughed. My entire life I have wanted to be a writer and major in English (solely in English). I wanted to go to Stanford University, study English, and become a writer or publisher. However, I no longer want to do that, and I have barely found time to write anyway. I used to hate public speaking but now I love it. I used to despise my voice, because I have a slight lisp (or had, I'm not even sure if I still have it), and that stopped me from using my voice. I was never afraid of public speaking; crowds don't really have any effect on me. It was my voice, the sound of it and the way I was unable to say certain words correctly. Now, I've learned that it doesn't really matter. I talk everyday and people know my voice and while they may laugh or think it sounds weird, I've learned to suck it up and just talk because it's something I'm stuck with and not something I can really change (I know speech therapy exists but it's never sounded like something for me, especially since half my friends say my voice sounds normal). 

Next year, I'll be taking five AP classes (AP Latin IV, AP Comparative Government, AP Literature, AP Statistics, and AP World History) as well as Journalism and Psychology. I would hate to see all of that effort and hard work being put to waste. I've spent the past four years working too hard just to see it amount to nothing. Last year was a wreck for me. Online school was not something I easily adjusted to and I have never been good at science or math classes in comparison to Humanities classes. Getting my first B+ in AP Biology and AP Calculus AB completely changed my perspective on my future. I had never had to deal with being a less than 4.0 student and it's been hard adjusting to having to click a different button when something asks me for my GPA. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging because I'm not; it's something that has affected me so badly that I've had several nightmares about my AP Biology class. 

This has become something of a rant post and even if nobody reads it, I know when I'm in college, at some point at 3 a.m. when I'm studying for some midterm I'll check out my old middle and high school blog and read through this post, remembering the pain and pressure I am currently feeling to succeed and get into college and live the future I have always imagined for myself. It's ridiculous knowing that my entire future can be changed by a couple of letters on a transcript, and I can only remember the fact that if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be. Still, I anticipate many tears in the upcoming months, especially in November and December when early applications are due and early decisions will be released. I will do an update post on college in those months and during regular decisions and let you guys know how it all went. As of right now, I am just manifesting a good future.

Thanks for reading (or skimming, I don't mind) <3

Malayna